Comparison

In this post I want to share some thoughts on the broad topic of comparison. I’ve already written a post on food intake comparison, so if that’s what you’re seeking, please head over here. Emily and I have done a podcast episode on that topic too.

This blog will focus negative comparison and self evaluation that derives from insecurity. You may be thinking, isn’t all comparison negative? And the answer to that is no, not entirely. Some aspects of it can foster perspective, gratitude and positive self-reflection. Furthermore, evolutionary survival instincts mean that the act of tracking relative status within a group isn’t even really possible to eliminate. So, like with many aspects of our healing pathway, this work provides us the opportunity to experience comparison in another way, likely by shifting the narrative attached to any objectively observed differences.

To keep this blog actionable, I will speak through 2 techniques that have assisted me far beyond recovery from my eating disorder, and that I feel sure will support me in feeling at home, comfortable and secure in my own life forever more.

Initially, I planned to jump straight into those techniques. But as I was writing this blog (which I tend to do over a few days), a perfect example arose as to why comparison is so desperately problematic. I think this situation exemplifies why comparison is of utmost importance to be a step ahead of in recovery and beyond.

When I first joined Instagram in my very early teens, my feed was just close friends and dog videos. Gradually, though, this pool expanded, and ten or so “healthy lifestyle” influencers filtered in. Most of these were women in their 20s sharing their daily routines. For the most part, they were showcasing eating vegan, doing long runs, doing high intensity interval work outs, and attending quite glamorous events.

I so vividly remember that what stood out to me most was how exceptionally happy and free their lives seemed. I’ll come back to that a little later.

I know that this might sound like a fib, but when I initially came across these pages, I didn’t wish to copy how they were living. And the reason I did not wish to emulate their lives is that, at that time, I was very happy and free too! 

I do remember being fascinated by their day to day existence, however. I was innocently intrigued by what they ate, curious about how they moved and interested in how they structured their days. This structure was completely around their food and working out, by the way.

And, my quite objective observation at the time, without negative comparative connotations, was that their lives looked very different to my own. Which makes sense. I was no more than 13!

My first memory of objective comparison is not what I want to tell you about, however. Why I bring this up is related to what has happened since.

 

A Clean Sweep Of U-Turns

Somewhere between now and then, every single one of those 10 or so influencers has somehow resurfaced. Most frequently, they have eddied back into my awareness through a “brave” admission on a podcast, post or article.

The general sense of this statement is this: behind the scenes of my online platform has been acutely health-compromising lifestyle — undereating and over-exercising.

The announcement is that a new healing chapter awaits.

I am quite sure that this past weekend’s admittance – that I only caught 15 seconds of in a snippet from a podcast – has now made a full house. A voice I hadn’t heard in years and years spoke of the naivety of youth and how long-term undereating had caused significant severe health issues, including infertility and incontinence.

Of course, I feel sympathy. I simply can’t imagine the depth of cognitive dissonance and pain held within a decade long performance a life that was so evidently causing so much internal emotional and physical pain.

But while so many of the comments read of appreciation of honesty and courage, I must admit, that my sympathy comes with a biting sadness too. When this was on my feed, this young woman was apparently so happy. And yet, undereating had called her muscles to be so weak that her bladder could not hold her pee, for crying out loud!

And what I find frustrating is that all of those thousands of impressionable women who viewed her content, trusted her affiliated recommendations or purchased the e-book that she probably wrote were sold a lie. This was not a lifestyle that was breeding happiness. It was one that would result in a cataclysmic shut down of essential bodiliy functions.

As these revelations have unfolded one by one, I feel sadness, frustration and near anger because the exceptionally happy lives being displayed weren’t the full truth. Yes, the narratives were shaped illnesses that often involve denial and anosognosia. Yes, those lies were likely maintained due to career pressures. But nonetheless, these happy lives were still lies. And irrespective of the newfound honesty, it sits so deeply wrong with me because I know all too well that this is still going on now. Pervasively. To a terrifying extent. To a degree you would not even believe.

With influencing more profitable than ever, bodies more marketable, and health more distorted, I have little doubt that the vast majority of the bodies we see online are not sustained through genuinely healthy means. And this is not just about the bodies. It’s about the lifestyles. The daily efficiency. The performance. The supposed serenity whilst juggling it all.

And my assumption here isn’t guess work. I have seen the sad reality of how ubiquitous this is with my own eyes many times;

• Content creators ordering several plates of food, taking photos, having 2 bites and then departing.

• Individuals who I only knew peripherally walking into a library, uploading photos of ‘study time’ and then swiftly leaving.

• My own friend’s creating a wonderful looking carousel posts of a night out that was utterly destroyed by a terrible argument that resulted in tears.

It is truly surreal to see. I feel like screaming. THAT IS NOT ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENED.

But no amount of screaming will help this matter. Social media is years away from being legislated to the degree it needs to be. And even when it eventually is, none of these people are explicitly saying, “eat/move/study/live like me and you’ll feel like me,”. It is just inferred.

And so, the blissful portrayal will remain, and these (literally) unreal lifestyles will continue to feel desirable from the outside. It seems that the ludicrous profits available from selling happiness to a vulnerable onlookers is something that is capable of blurring morality, but that’s a topic for another time.

On a personal level, as the years went on and those early seeds of influence began to grow in me, I wish someone had told me that what I was seeing was a spectacular mirage. That the things I admired as “healthy” (or more accurately in my case, sports performance enhancing) would only place my body under significant distress. If somehow you’re reading this young Han, plant-based eating did not in fact make you run faster!

Although I wanted this post to be focussed on just two exercises against comparison, I guess I have just inadvertently raised another. Be incredibly mindful about your time online and who you choose to let into your feed.

Onwards to those exercises!

Technique 1: The Straight Swap

One of the most transformative ideas I’ve come across in relation to negative comparison is The Straight Swap.

When we compare ourselves to others, we tend to pick out the parts of their lives we most admire. We gather these fragments, and like a mosaic, imagine slotting those pieces into our own lives to create some kind of flawless life experience.

The fundamental issue with this is that because we are so focussed on the shiny pieces of that life, we fail to see the costs that it comes with, or, indeed the ‘whole package’ that we must be willing to swap if we want sed thing.

The Straight Swap asks us to pause and consider: would I be willing to trade everything for this?

Although this may sound like an extreme requirement, this sequential approach highlights the fact that there is a chain reaction to every choice and pathway. We cannot cherry-pick ideal aspects of a life without other doors sliding.

Here are an array of examples:

Let’s say you compare your job to that of a friend.

With their cool job, not only comes their work hours, but also their study pathway. If you want their job, you have to swap all of the friends you made in your classes, all of the interactions you had on your path (which have unquestionably shaped you into who you are), and all of the competencies you have acquired en route.

Or maybe you yearn for somebody else’s luscious hair.

If you want their hair, you take their genetics. Their parents, their grandparents. Not yours.

Or perhaps you want another friend's phenomenal depth of political knowledge. If that is the case, you exchange your interests for theirs. The interests that you have nurtured through your life are gone, replaced and narrowed. That fiction series you loved reading no longer has place in your heart. The bond you have with that friend over music? Weakened, because current affairs podcasts are what you tune into instead.

With their countless holidays per year, you must live in their petless home. Dogless. Catless. Rascalless (Heidi). No neutral presence to chat to when you are otherwise home alone.

And to provide an example that relates to recovery, if you want their body, you inherit their relationship with food, movement, and themselves — which, as I mentioned earlier, will likely be exceptionally different than the one depicted online.

This technique reminds us: we don’t get fragments. We get the whole.

Overall, this perspective invites us to pause before we lust over a quality or item belonging to somebody else, and ask ourselves, ‘am I willing to trade everything for it?

I think this can often stop comparison in its tracks.

Technique 2: Identify The Desired Emotion

The other technique that I think is really neat is encapsulated by this quote:

Many of the things we want are simply vehicles for how we wish to feel.

To provide a general example…

Person X would like to have a convertible Porsche.

On the surface, it may seem that Person X just wants a nice car.

But beneath that, Person X would like to feel the emotions that they think comes along with that convertible Porsche.

Maybe they wish to feel admired. Perhaps they want to feel cool. Maybe they want to feel some sense of thrill that comes with the wind blowing in their hair.

Unthinkingly, we all attach emotional narratives to the things we deeply covert.

When it comes to materialistic items, sometimes the things we buy do make us feel the way we suppose they would. Someone might want a convertible Porsche and the Porsche is one (rather expensive) fix for those desired states. But beyond desiring those surface level feelings, there may well reside something 'higher'. I'll touch on what that deep need might be in a moment. But it is essential to note that if there is indeed something deeper, the bump of the new Porsche will fleeting, and not solve the insecurity beneath.

To use another example, this time more body-focussed, let’s say that Person Y would like to have a flat tummy.

Person Y says that they want the flat stomach, but in truth, Person Y is seeking the emotions that they have attached to that tummy. Perhaps that’s supposed confidence or feeling at ease in their own skin.

In short, the sense is, when/if I have that thing, then I will finally feel good.

But as I alluded to a moment ago, the aim of this exercise is not to just arrive at a selection of fairly desired emotional states. It is try to clamber all the way up to the deepest desire of one’s heart.

To do this, it can be helpful consistently pose the question… ‘and what does that give me?’ to yourself when you have arrived at a new desired emotional state. If follow that same question far enough down the trail, it will reveal the ultimate need. When you do so, you usually arrive at something related to a desire for safety, security, connection, self-acceptance, purpose and inner peace.

And once you see what states sits at the apex, there can be a shift. Because those feelings aren’t actually locked behind the new things you thought you needed. They can be cultivated directly, largely through changing your relationship with yourself. That is, how you speak to yourself, how you care for yourself, who you surround yourself with, what behaviour you tolerate, and how willing you are to meet yourself as you are.

Especially in the body-based example, we must remember that changing yourself in order to feel self-acceptance often actually moves you further away from it. Real self-acceptance tends to arise from allowing our truest selves to be seen, without turning away.

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I believe that comparison is so essential to confront because it arises from a place that the eating disorder will always try to amplify: a sense of perceived lack. If left ignored, it anchors us in that space, and pulls us away from our own most meaninful values. Due to how the world is now, I believe that reaching a full recovery necessitates non-conformity. Trying to 'fit in' to the current norms of food choices, movement standards and joy prioritisation is very likely to live you on the fringes of disorder.

As a short recap on the techniques:

• "The Straight Swap" reminds us that we can’t selectively import someone else’s life without inheriting everything that comes with it.

• Recognising that our desires are really about emotion helps us stop chasing external symbols for internal needs.

Together, these shifts bring us back to something much more solid: our own messy reality and life's path.

Remember, a life that isn’t pieced together from fragments of others, but built from an honest understanding of what we value, what we really need, is what will actually fulfil us most sincerely.

And truly, that’s the real work of healing. Not trying to create a life that looks good from the outside, but one that feels internally steady, authentic and embodied.