Good and Bad Foods

My disordered brain organised everything. From every minute of every day in my notebook, to the pens lined up on my desk, to the seasonings in the spice rack (alphabetically, obviously), right down to the carrots on my dinner plate. Everything was 'just so', ordered and exactly the way I liked it.

I now know that this level of obsessive organisation was fuelled by malnutrition (due to my brain seeking to find some level of 'order' in and amongst my chaos of my disordered mind). But, I also know that this obsession with organisation provided a truly calming sense of safety — for when there was order, there was certainty, and certainty meant no change. This tendency to organise absolutely everything under the sun also extended to categorising foods, too. Foods were "Good" or "Bad", "Healthy" or "Unhealthy" and there was very little space in-between. I will add, the singular 'grey area' to this otherwise infallible system was the commonly coined 'Good Fats', and I know that some of you will exactly understand how this oxymoron could be a confusing spanner in the works of a well oiled judgement machine. However, other than salmon, nuts and avocados, my system was pretty damn absolute and might even be similar to your own.

On reflection, I believe this rut — labelling food in such black and white terms — was one of the most important ones I had to haul myself out of in order to give myself the 'unconditional permission to eat' that is so necessary in Eating Disorder Recovery. I had to say adios to putting food in to nice and neat little categories, and in turn, this allowed me to climb out of my state of malnutrition too. The domino effect of this, then, was that I also lost my desire to over-organise other things in my life too (including the the spice rack and my highlighters).

Firstly, why do we need to view all foods on equal grounds?

Results of several studies have concluded that individuals who mentally label food as "good" or "bad" — or place some on a pedestal while demonising others — are more at risk of binging, reactive eating, symptoms of depression and regular feelings of shame and guilt.

The reason that moving away from this mindset is so important is because, well, you don't want or deserve food to hold such power over you. You don't want or deserve to put your body in such a position that it perceives food scarcity and forces you to feast until discomfort. You don't want or deserve food to shrink your life down so small, that you cannot experience all that it has to offer.

For those who are genetically predisposed to developing an eating disorder it can be a slippery slope from merely making a few 'innocent' dietary changes to support your bodies function and to viewing at "health" as a moral imperative which takes over your entire life. This tiresome pursuit of chasing societies ever-changing definition "health", can trap you in dangerous disordered eating patterns which can, ironically, end up actually stripping years from your life (due to stress, loneliness and malnutrition) that your healthy behaviours were all in effort to extend.

Remember, your physical health is just one segment of you 'health orange'. Deprivation, restriction and food anxiety doesn't just deprive you physically. It significantly worsens your mental, emotional and spiritual segments too.

Your health is, and will always be, relative to you as an individual. Opting for a perceived "healthy choice" is not "healthy" if it comes from a place of obligation or fear. On the flip side, selecting a choice that you currently judge as "unhealthy" could be the best option for your physical and mental well-being, even if it doesn't feel to be so 'in the moment'.

Food is fuel...but so much more than that too

One of the main barriers between myself and food neutrality was the fact that I knew that some foods were more nutritious than others. Although it is true - foods do not all have the same nutritional profiles - I had to relearn that more nutritious foods are not better than foods that are less nutritious. They simply have more nutrients and serve a different purpose.

Part of my learning involved taking time to understand that there are many ways food can promote health and fuel your body outside of the nutrients it contains. One of these ways is how food provides energy. Whilst a disordered mind may not perceive a high-calorie meal as a friendly-faced option right now, healing allows a healthy perspective: it is just a meal packed full of energy. This energy will help with internal repairs, allow you to concentrate on work, have a full afternoon, have a peaceful sleep and so much more. Similarly, while your disorder may indeed judge a processed snack with lots of added sugar negatively, healing allows a healthy perspective: high sugar provide an easily available source of energy. Not only is this perfect fuel for internal healing, but if you have some errands to run or are walking the dog, this quick release energy in your blood stream invaluable.

How about the grated courgette that an instagram wellness blogger instructs you to put in your morning bowl of oats (now, 'zoats) to make it feel as though you are eating more? In terms of energy, it's certainly not the best addition you could be making. If you like the taste of it, by all means, continue! But if you are seeking to find something far more likely to fill up your tank to power you through the morning (and aid with essential process of weight restoration if weight loss has been part of your ED) something like peanut butter, nuts or just more oats are you better option. These additions are certainly mentally 'healthier' too, if bulking out your breakfast with zucchini is favoured through fear.

What about the low calorie snack bar that you opt for simply due to the fact that it is low calorie? Really, is this something to celebrate? Is this a way to show your body - who endlessly works to maintain homeostasis for you - an appropriate degree of respect?

Lastly, whilst 'cauliflower rice' could conceivably be a substitute for rice (considering it's the same shape, I guess?) this exchange means that you are missing out on a huge amount of energy and carbohydrate. Considering your brain's primary energy source is glucose, the cauliflower is not something that your body will necessarily be grateful for.

This doesn't necessarily mean that courgette, cauliflower rice, low-calorie bars have to be demoted to being 'bad' foods. They simply are neutral. On the same level as all other foods.

Pleasure

Another function (which ED's tend to totally disregard) is pleasure. Sure, a ice cold glass of Fanta doesn’t provide nutrition, but you know what? It's hard to match the level of satisfaction one feels when sitting on hotel balcony, freshly showered and sand-free, with an ice cold, refreshing Fanta in one hand and a bag of Lays paprika crisps in the other. And sure, maybe a tear and share brioche loaf doesn't contain as many vitamins as a smoothie bowl, but, it sure does still nourish the soul. My own memory of munching on that half-squashed, pillowy loaf of chocolaty bread with my best pal in a shoddily erected tent at a music festival whilst hysterical due to lack of sleep is one that will never leave me, or cease to make me smile. The Fanta and the brioche taste great and the mental peace that food freedom allows you to have feels great too.

Social

Then there’s the social aspect of eating and drinking, like Christmas, Birthdays, the coffee room, the after work drinks. Everytime you decline the invite or avoid a certain occasion due to fear of the food, you are inadvertently also turning away a chance for communication and social connection. An experience that sticks with me was an occasion of going to an Indian restaurant to meet my sister's boyfriend for the first time. Although I was physically *there*, I hardly interacted with anything but google for the entire evening, as I frantically searched for the 'best' option ("healthiest") to select. How can an anxious, isolated evening on google be seen as the "healthy" alternative to connecting with new faces, family, different cultures and my core values?

There are tonnes of 'social' occasions I can think of that fearing food dampened for me, but the only other one I will share with you today is about cream cheese bagels because I was reminded of this situation by a 'this time 3 years ago' memory that came up on my phone last week. The picture shows a thickly spread bagel which I ate at one of my Universities Café on a patio overlooking a lake and all I remember about it was the day destroying anxiety that it caused. How was it "healthier" to stress about the amount of cream cheese the server had spread on my bagel (and spend the entire lunch hour ignoring my friends in preference of working out the 'maximum dent' that bagel could made into my days calorie limit), rather than eat the bagel, enjoy the taste and then engage in conversation with friends in such beautiful surroundings?

That's right. It couldn't be. Frankly, loneliness will shave a lot more years off your life than curry or bagel ever will. As will the stress. Stress caused by every single meal time being an internal battle or family conflict takes a toll on all aspects of your wellbeing.

And... all food contains some nutrients

Even if you’re looking at food from a purely nutrition standpoint, it isn’t so black and white as a disordered mind makes it seem. Ice cream provides calcium and fat soluble vitamins. Pasta (so often demonised) provides your brain with the carbohydrates it absolutely needs to survive. Even soda contains fluids to help keep you hydrated! I know this might be hard to internalise right now, but challenging those preconceptions about what is "good", what is "bad" and reclaiming what "health" truly is for you is a personal journey of healing which takes time. Be patient! Relearning takes time!

The scale trick

If you frequently find yourself labelling food as bad, for a moment, I want you to imagine a scale. The bottom of the scale means it contains no nutrients (something that you consider to be "bad"). The top means that it's perceived as "good"- something like organic, pure squeezed celery juice, maybe.

Firstly, pick a food, any food, and place it somewhere on that scale. If you put it on the bottom of the scale, see if you can move it up a notch. Consider nutrients it contains and energy it provides. This might be difficult, but think back to the basics of where the food comes from. Let's take the example of roasted potatoes in olive oil and a creamy ranch style dressing. What kind of nutrition can you get from potatoes and oil? Well... a potato contains fiber, vitamin C, and carbohydrate. Oils help you absorb fat soluble vitamins, and fats are beneficial for hormonal health. The creamy dressing on the other hand, contains calcium and, once again, will be beneficial to hormonal health. These are the nutritional qualities which are provided to everyone who consumes them. This isn't even taking into consideration somebody who needs to heal from malnutrition. As well as those nutritional qualities, maybe you cooked them with your mum, or had them at a restaurant with friends. Maybe you ate them whilst out at a market, maybe you ate them abroad. Whatever the situation was (even if it did have absolutely no nutrition!) it still would not have been "bad". Even if you’re just moving the food you have imagined up a smidge, it’s one step away closer to neutrality.

Now pick another food - perhaps one you place on that pedestal. Take a brief moment to challenge it. For example, let's take some carrot, cucumber and celery batons that you might have with your lunch. Whilst, yes, they are nutrient packed - do they really contain much essential fat, protein or carbohydrate? Do they contribute to your energy needs for your day? If you're in recovery from an ED, do they align with your goal of restoring your nutritionally rehabilitating? Are they a substitutive for something that you are actually really mentally craving?

How about that branded low-calorie snack bar you’ve been glorifying? How successfully does that allow you to get on with your morning without your mind drifting off to think of lunch? Do you bite into and feel pleasure and crunch and satisfaction? Do they serve this at a café your friends might invite you out to? Is it big enough for you to 'feel' as though you are done having eaten it?

Anyway, enough of the questions. The goal of this exercise isn’t to discover the perfect “balance” on the scale. It is simply an mechanism to challenge you black and white thinking and to question whether these foods really deserve their spot at the top of the scale. If they are just your 'usual' because they tick the disordered boxes and restrict your weight, challenge this. Delve into the intentions behind your food choices for the sake of your mental, social and physical health. Add economic health onto that if we talk about the PRICE of most orthorexia influenced products, like high protein bars.

10 final words

If you only take 10 words from this blog, let it be these: "healthy" or "healthy eating" does not have a certain look. Health is completely individualised and dependent on your dynamic needs. It is not the food that is the problem. It is your thoughts and attitude around the foods. As well as this, please remember that eating is for so much more than just your physical health. It contributes to your mental, social and emotional health too. And they are equally important if you want to live a rich, full life.