The Messy Middle.

In the world of marketing, the 'messy middle’ refers to the intermediary stage in a customer’s decision-making journey. It happens when we, the customer, have acquired an awareness about a brand or product, but are yet to purchase the item.

In short, this messy middle is our period of evaluation - exploring options, seeking information, and evaluating comparative products.

Bored yet?

Hold tight!

This part of a journey described by marketing strategists’ as “messy” because as customers assess their options, numerous factors come into play that may either confirm their choice or raise doubts. Any new insights gained stimulate an emotional reaction – leaving a buyer with more confidence, or more hesitancy to proceed.

Through various subliminal methods and strategies, we, the potential consumers, are coaxed from the contemplation phase through the various emotional channels in order to ‘complete’ our buying journey. It’s actually quite astonishing how much psychology is behind the marketing that ensures we follow through with a purchase. But, understanding that is not something I can help with. This blog post isn’t about simplifying decision-making either, in case that introduction led you to believe it was. If you’re interested in reading about decision paralysis in recovery, here are some thoughts on that. This post is about the ‘middle bit’ of recovery and finally, here is my segue way.

One of the main reasons that I have thus far held back from writing about the 'middle bit' of recovery is that it isn’t all that nice. If I put it plainly, the ‘middle bit’ of my recovery journey held some of the emotionally disconcerting moments of my life. And I always saw discussing that as problematic, because my last intention is to put you off going through it.

But I have decided to sit down at my laptop and begin writing today because something not being a pleasant experience does not mean that it should be ignored, nor avoided. Me not writing about it just adds to the already very obvious issue: the ‘middle bit’ of recovery is a topic already falls into the subset of ‘lesser discussed’ recovery experiences, like true representations of feast eating and digestive turmoil. Time to open up some space for that, I think!

What is the 'Messy Middle'?

There were swathes of time within the ‘middle part’ of my recovery that I felt incredibly empowered. There were also times in this middle part that I felt my sanity was disintegrating. As I alluded to earlier, I waded through this with little to no resources speaking of this experience to comfort me, but since then, have come to learn that my experience was not unique. I hope that you feel safe in the knowledge that if you do experience what I am about to describe, or are currently experiencing it, you are not mad. You are not alone. You are not doing anything ‘wrong’. This is a recovery potential that more people experience than do not.

There are many reasons that the middle of recovery feels so difficult and if I try to cover all of them, you will be reading for so long that your eyes will be square. So here are just a few that I personally felt, with a short description beside.

Physical Changes - During the middle part of my recovery, my body had changed. Significantly. It was uncomfortable to be viewing my healing body through the lens of the ED, which was still so allured by and expectant of smallness. For some people, this part is accompanied by a lessening of external urgency about their recovery. This can feel terrifying. It is so often the case that an uninformed support network base their assessment of your healing on physical markers rather than mental state, mistakenly assuming that looking better = feeling better.

Physical Pains - As I slowed down and my body cranked into healing gear, things began to hurt. I ached. I pained. My digestive system caterwauled in shock and relief.

Lack of Mental Shifts - It is a common desire of people in recovery to heal the body and the mind exactly concurrently. However, from what I have observed endlessly, this is not the reality of a recovery experience and expecting it leaves one consistently backpedalling in an attempt 'correct the balance' between physical progress and mental shifts. A recovering body wastes no time in healing. A deeply entrenched mind takes its time to shift. This is the reality: physical healing will proceed mental healing. When we are healing, the trouble with this is that whilst physical progress is be observable, these changes are being viewed with enduring ED mental resistance. For most of us, this results in doubt arising at whether recovery 'works' or if our minds will always be trapped.

Loss of ‘Control’ – The ED does not authentically offer a sustainable sense of control to one’s life. But, its rigid patterns do often offer the illusion of it. As I ‘gave up’ mechanisms that were familiar, there was a void yet to be filled by anything that matched up to the ‘relief’ that my previous behaviours provided. Whilst I rationally knew that I didn’t want to use the ED to cope, after so long of using my ED behaviours to numb, regulate, soothe or occupy, bobbing about in this middle part felt like I had long left the familiar ED harbour, but was far out at sea, no promised destination in sight or capability to know how long it would take to get there. My identity felt tumble dried.

Reduced Clarity About Recovery Actions – when commencing recovery, it is often pretty clear what needs to be done. In the middle stage, sometimes its less so. From a place in which there was a discernible direction and clarity of what rules, fears and barriers require immediate work to even be considered ‘in recovery’, this middle part was fraught with doubt and disorientation.

At this time, many of the obvious tendrils of the ED were no longer part of my life. But, there was a heavy inner knowledge that I was far from being ‘there’. My former more precise ‘challenges’ were replaced with a bit of milling about playing whack-a-mole – lots of repetition, lots of removal of lingering conditions, and far fewer ‘new’ euphoric-feeling confrontations.

And this rate of recovery felt a lot less promising. I had daily contemplations of ‘do I really need to let X go?’ and ‘is that really such an issue?’. All the while, I continued to experience a very high level of hunger that my ED incessantly said was unwarranted at this point.

As I trudged forward, I continued to seek out recovery resources in hope to stumble across something, anything that would provide some more concrete direction and hope. I just wanted somebody to tell me what the fuck to do now. In trying to attain more and more insight, I found myself not resonating with lots of recovery content anymore. Whilst in hindsight I can now see that this disconnection was a wonderful thing, at the time, it felt eerie, and only amplified my feeling of loneliness and doubt.

External Frustration - I was very lucky to have family around me who did not connect looking better with being better. As I mentioned earlier, this isn’t always the case. During the ‘middle bit’ of my healing,

my family were acutely aware that I was not free, and the lessening potential for ostentatious recovery actions (aka, ‘first time trying this in years!!’) made their ability to push me less tangible. They wanted me to be better, and I was markedly so, but my lack of effortless freedom gave rise to exasperated flair-ups and intensifying fatigue.

My acquiescent nature meant that usually, in circumstances of external pressure or expectation, I would compromise my own feeling of calm in order to regulate those around me. But in the context of my recovery, due to fear, I felt great shame in not being quite able to do the same.

Emotions Returning - As I began to heal physically, I experienced an onslaught of emotion. Suddenly, aided by emerging from energy deficit, I began to feel. Extremely fucking deeply. My mind that had previously been ensconced by food and movement was now awash with reality. Numbness was replaced with sensitivity. Coldness was replaced with care. Apathy was replaced with grief. I wrote down in a journal that my brain felt on fire. I think you get the picture.

Whilst all of these areas are important, it's this aspect of the mid-recovery stage that I want to talk about a little more. Though I have done a full post on a restrictive eating disorder's anaesthetic quality, what happens after this fades is a topic I’ve neglected prior to now.

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Emotions Returning

If somebody at that time would have asked me, ‘How are you feeling, Han?’, they had better take a seat. I was happy. I was sad. I was grieving. I was lonely. I was energised. I was exhausted. I was excited. I was ashamed. I was aspirational. I was bored. I was reignited with interest (in things I had never been interested in!!). I was frustrated. I was angry. Very angry. And I was sad. Very, very, very sad.

In this time, I cried a lot, often in the evening, and therefore often until I fell asleep with exhaustion. I cried for my childhood dog who had died of old age years earlier, for the holiday I declined with my girlfriends after exams, for spiteful thing I had said to my mum on my birthday when she surprised me with a cake.

My head reeled with questions.

Who am I?

What is my life?

What do I even like?

Where has everybody gone?

It’s not that I didn’t experience these thoughts at all whilst engaging in my eating disorder. They were certainly there. The difference was this time they did not abate. This time, they came with a heaviness and intensity that made my brain hurt. And then, an hour later, I would be absolutely fine. I'd catch myself humming, and feel a surge of pride for having spare energy to do so.

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Tips For the Messy Middle

Often, during this time, one has a stable resolve that they do not wish to go backwards into the world of ED. But human nature means we can hold two seemingly contentious feelings at once. Therefore, it very likely that proceeding boldly feels daunting and cloudy too.

There is not necessarily a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to deal with the emotional chaos of the messy middle. But, here are some tips and reassurances that help you navigate this stage:

• It is ok to go into a recovery burrow. This is not regression. The you who is prioritising your healing above all else is the you is making a wonderful decisive declaration. You will never look back and regret providing your mind and body a time out of anything ‘extra’ whilst it recalibrates. If your life looks like a monotonous cycle of eating, grocery shopping and resting – you are not doing anything wrong.

  
  

• If social occasions feel like an overly taxing burden, it is ok to set boundaries on them. You can decline them entirely (remember, once you are fully recovered, your energised body WILL desire social contact), or, you can set time petametres on them. This is not you being boring. This is you prioritising to secure future uninhibited freedom.

  
  

• The way out is through, not reversing. Turning back to the eating disorder’s reassuringly numbing monotony is not the genuine answer to make you feel at peace. We are supposed to feel. Not only will the pent-up emotions gradually be worked through, but with enough practice, dealing with emotions will become easier. Here is the truth. Even if turning back did offer a feeling of rapid relief, getting this far in your healing means you have opened up Pandora’s box. You know that if an eating disorder truly worked as a means of sustainable self-regulation, it would have worked by now. And going backwards will only park you in a place of terrorising cognitive dissonance.

  
  

• If the ED's siren songs don't call for you to reverse, they will probably suggest that you stay put. Here is good enough, they will insist. I know first-hand that this part isn't particularly pleasant place to be, but we must keep intentional. Although this part isn't something we can rush through (neural pathways don't just snap), inaction borne from fear is only going to suspend you here longer. Even if there is less clarity over what you have to do to proceed, there are certainly things that you can be doing. This might involve holding a flashlight towards the areas that the ED deems to be unnecessary to confront, or perhaps just more stubborn repetition. Often, an exernal perspective can be helpful here.

  
  

• Whilst emotions ploughing in may feel disturbing, there is goodness in the experience too. By allowing yourself capacity to feel the bad, we also open up capacity to feel the good, the sweet and the meaningful. Where possible, let yourself revel in this. Do not shut down zealousness just because you aren't completely done. Life is still happening now.

  
  

• Your emotional dysregulation will settle. Just like your hunger, with a commitment to go through it, it will lessen in its intensity. You are not alone in experiencing this chaos.

  
  

• Whilst for most of us, this emotional surge happens somewhere in the middle of recovery, whereabouts in this ‘middle’ part does differ. It may be shortly after you begin real recovery eating or it may be down the line when the body has some reserves.

• What you are experiencing is normal. But, perhaps it's time we stop seeking confirmation of normalacy altogether. Maybe instead we can be asking ourselves, 'is that human?' I think in most cases when we pose that question, at very least biologically speaking, it will be a very human response indeed.

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It has now, I hope, become clear as to why I opened this blog with a comment about how most journeys come innately paired with an emotionally charged option exploration and information gathering phase. With any pathway ahead of us, it is human nature to load potential choices with emotion, suspicion and fear. That is the blessing, and curse, of sentient beings. The fact that we pause to think, evaluate and appraise (often far too much) is not something we can completely stop, and so, we MUST offer our scared brain the compassion and understanding that is due. On a biological level, what is happening is why our species has survived so long: our brains protect us as we navigate the pastures new – especially those that we have for so long taught it to be threatening.

Not too unlike our journey of purchasing a product, the eating disorder recovery journey itself involves data gathering, evaluation, questioning and confrontation with doubt. Only this time, what is on the line is not the purchase of a Hoover, but a significantly more consequential (life enhancing!) choice – to take, or not to take, the healing pathway.

It’s indeed a great shame that we can’t buy recovery like a Hoover. But I think in time you might come to see that even if you could purchase recovery, it may not be the solution you would have taken. The recovery path reintegrates us back to ourselves, equips us with invaluable life tools, and assists us in healing the parts of ourselves that made us vulnerable in the first place.

Remember: no extraordinary journey is linear. In reality, the pathway is volatile — an unremitting sequence of ups and downs, a tango of two steps forward and what feels like a tidal wave surge back.

Reinforced with the prior knowledge that you are on a journey flush with uncertainty and struggle, you must give yourself grace. As you barter on the tenuous lines of optimising your recovery output and simply enduring what just has to be sat through, compassion is non-negotiable.

KEEP GOING. This recovery mess does have an end date.