Evening Eating

When I had anorexia, I found it significantly easier to consume the majority of their calories in the evening. Most of my day was spent planning what I would allow myself later. My brain always thought later was better when I wasn't well. You can do that later. You can allow yourself that later. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Later promised excitement. Later was hopeful. Most of all, later delayed any 'threat'.

There were several reasons that I can now identify as to why I was more comfortable eating in the evening. One of the main reasons - one that would sound completely bizarre to a healthy individual- was because the evening is, well, at the "end" of the day. Huh? Well... my twisted ED logic was that if I ate my calories in the evening, I had less risk to eat more, because there is less time between the meal and the end of the day (as in, me going to bed). Eating close to bedtime also meant that I had less time to spend thinking about how fucking hungry I was and how fucking miserable I felt for not being able to eat. See? Makes sense total sense... (not)

I guess all of this was because at this time in my 'recovery', I had by no means given myself unconditional permission to eat and had a very limited amount of calories to 'use' per day. I was terrified of going to bed hungry and saving the food until the evening kept me 'safe' from a long, sleepless night of pushing away food fantasies with an empty stomach. I could spend the majority of the day looking forward to that magic moment where I could eat the food I desired, whereas if I ate in the morning, I felt I would have to restrict the whole day because I had already eaten my calories.

I also know that I enjoyed being able to take my time in the evening. In the evening, I had literally nothing else on my plate. (No apologies, pun entirely intended bro). It was just me and the food. No external stresses or interruptions could ruin the 'experience'. I could savour and enjoy what I was eating and this justified a fuller belly. No, I didn't eat exactly what I wanted. And no, I didn't eat as much of what I wanted. But, in comparison to the daytime, I had slightly more permission post-9pm. I convinced myself that food even tasted better in the evenings and this all contributed to my habits upkeep. I carried it on because, well, I enjoyed it.

My post 9pm permission sometimes gave me hope, too. The food I consumed here fuelled my rational brain into thinking, 'Actually, I'm going to give this recovery thing a proper try' and I fell asleep with the real ambition to allow myself to eat a better breakfast than usual. Often, I actually got considerably less guilt for the permission I was giving myself in the evening because I could justify eating more. It was like the fuel from my evening food suddenly made me see how appalling my intake has been during the day. I thought... yes, I can have slightly more... because yikes. I've got some making up to do here."

However, because I wasn't fully committed at this point, or even close to it, I didn't fully let go. I was wrapped up this strange recurring idea that I couldn't eat 'too much' in the evening, or I would gain weight. And heaven forbid I would gain weight in such a disordered way and not doing it properly. So, as always, I promised tomorrow to be the day that I would properly begin recovery. And yes, you guessed it. Tomorrow came and breakfast was as shitty as usual- in preparation for my evening snack to come... 12 hours later.

And soon, this structure just became habit. This was my automatic pathway for the day. After a while, it didn't cross mind to not eat in this way or to this schedule. It certainly didn't cross my mind to allow my 'evening' foods at any other time of day. It simply just didn't even seem to be an option. There seemed to be so many reasons to carry on eating in this way. Saving foods nearer the end of the day avoided me 'overdoing' it and 'spending' calories too early. As spending them too early would mean I didn't have enough 'left' for later on in the day, it avoided me having a sleepless night. A sleepless night would mean I would be a snappy crocodile to my family and find dragging myself to school even harder. As well as this, there was my 'logic' about saving food in order to have the optimal, relaxing tasting experience. This cycle continued on and on and soon, it was ritual. Not only the time, but the way I ate. Where I ate. How I ate. The order I ate. What I did whilst I ate...

All of this sounds bonkers, right? Well, it depends. If you are reading this and do not have an Eating Disorder, it probably does. As, I no longer have an eating disorder, it sounds like incomprehensible madness to me now. Get that...ME! These thoughts and behaviours sound like madness to ME- the girl who had these exact thoughts running through her brain, all day, every day. ME! The ex-owner of the thoughts that once held such validity that I aligned my behaviour to them every single day. ME... the girl who genuinely cannot even imagine seeing food as numbers, let alone calories as some type of currency to budget throughout the day and not exceed.

But, if you're in malnutrition, my bet is that you can relate to the thoughts that I described my under fuelled brain once produced. If this is the case... I hope the rest of this post will be helpful. If nothing else, I hope that it reassures you that what you're experiencing is not inescapable or just a 'weird little thing' which just you do.

I want to preface my advice with making clear that night eating is not bad. It is more than ok to eat at night. This advice is aimed at those who are struggling with 'saving' food until the evening. Here goes.

Night eating indicates 2 things:

1) You are in a state of malnutrition. (Remember, you can be underweight at any size. It simply means being under your bodies optimal weight).

2) You are not eating enough during the day.

So what's the solution to stopping night eating?

1) Get your self out of a state of malnutrition by fully nutritionally rehabilitating. This will involve allowing your body to reach an unsuppressed weight and the surest way to do this is by unrestricted eating as best you can.

2) Ensure that you are eating enough during the day. This will involve losing rules and rituals.

Simple right?

In concept, yep. In practice... less so. But, physically, you do know how to go about getting these things done. Here's a few things I did to help me on my way.

Use a rough meal plan.

Those of you who have followed me for a while might be thinking "who is writing this and what THE F*** have you done with Han?? Han hates meal plans??". But, rest assured. This is Han. I am safe. I am only anti meal plan if it is restrictive and holding you back. In my experience... that means they need to be put aside in later recovery. However, meal plans can be (and are) an essential first step to regular and consistent intake when the brain is in chaos. 3 meals and 3 snacks spread relatively evenly throughout the day is THE absolute minimum you should be aiming to hit and exceed without fail. There is no option to AT VERY LEAST eat 3 substantial meals and 3 substantial snacks. If you're not hungry during the day or have aversion to eating in the day, you have to force yourself to eat food during the day. This is where a meal plan may come in handy.

Set a non-negotiable half-day 'target'

I'm don't advocate for calorie counting. However, you need to find a way of making sure you are eating at least X amount by, let's say, 2pm. The commitment to doing this will mean that you have eaten in the morning, whether or not your brain likes it or not. Bringing in these recovery rules may help you not to just slip down the same old disordered route day after day. Sometimes, the best way to disrupt routine is just forcing a new, non-negotiable structure to be in its place.

Commit to unrestricted eating

Committing to eating as much as you can, and aiming to eat maximally is what your body and brain need throughout recovery. Actually figuring out what 'unrestricted eating' was took me several months. Because my mental hunger was pretty much constant, I had to learn that I had to be eating pretty much constantly. This was a really tough mental battle which I did not always get right and took time to learn. When I didn't get it right, I wrote about it in my journal and promised myself to do better now that I knew better. Really, I just took it day by day, trying my best to improve on the previous day because there were always tiny little things to improve on.

You must start doing those things which you think aren't even an option for you right now. You must start reintroducing those foods that you don't think you're ready to eat yet. You must start responding to both mental and physical cues as much as you possibly can, 24hrs a day. This commitment has to be at the base of everything you do and with every day you do it, you will likely open up an entire chest of behaviour patterns that need addressing.

Commit to reaching an unsuppressed body weight

This means, moment by moment, doing your absolute best to stop doing SHIT that is keeping your weight at a place it doesn't want to be at. It means buying full-fat products and sitting down whenever possible. It means parking as close to the supermarket as possible and always choosing the highest option on the menu. And everything else in between. Many of these behaviours will be habitual and automatic, so it will be a real test of calling yourself out of them and questioning your intentions behind doing them when you notice them

Commit to losing rules and rituals

There were so many rules and rituals around my eating behaviours and everyday life that it took me several months to firstly, recognise, and then unroot them all.

Tell yourself: the limit does not exist.

The fear of going to bed hungry is only a valid one if you are still restricting and viewing there to be 'too much' food in one day. There is no maximum that cannot be crossed. The only number you have to be thinking about is exceeding a high minimum. After this, aim to eat as much more as you can. There simply is no too much.

Biologically speaking

It has been suggested that a tendency to feel more at ease when eating more at night is linked to the famine/migration response caused by energy deficit. Migrating mammals would move in the day, when it was safe and light, and only stop in the evening to rest at which time they could safely eat. Whether this is feasible to you or not, my advice remains the same. Do everything within your power to make it clear as day to your body that food is not scarce. Get your body out of energy deficit - by any means possible- and show it that you are in a place of food abundance.

Ultimately, even if it doesn't feel as desirable to eat in the day. Even if you're busy. Even if you might get interrupted. Even if the food isn't quite as sensational when in the car or at the office or in the bathroom at work when your boss gets mad at you for snacking. You have to eat. You find a way to get the food in. Most importantly of all, even if your head screams at you not to and more than half of your brain isn't on board with unrestricted eating in the morning...You go ahead and do exactly that. You give yourself unconditional permission to eat throughout the day and go directly against the automatic wiring cycle. This permission gets easier and easier to grant yourself as your journey progresses and you become physically and mentally stronger. It's like climbing up a flight of steps and having a clearer view once you're at the top.

Remember: the only way to disrupt the neural pathways is to change your behaviour. The only way to weaken the neural pathways is to change your behaviour. The only way to build new, healthier pathways is to change your behaviour.

Deep down, you know what to do. If you like eating lots in the evening, good. All food is good and safe and there is no too much. However, you must eat lots throughout the day too. Once again: all food is good and safe. Your permission is eternal.